Coffee Talk
by Andra Marie Mueller
Summary: A late night conversation in the Mess Hall yields unexpected confessions. JC


**"Coffee Talk"  
by Andra Marie Mueller**

He sat alone in the deserted Mess Hall, absently sipping at a mug of hot cocoa as he silently watched the passing stars. On the table before him, a discarded PADD bore silent testimony to his evening's work: newly-established duty rosters keyed for delivery to the captain first thing in the morning.

She stood just inside the doorway, observing him in silence, wondering what ghosts had driven him to seek solace in solitary. The hiss of the opening doors a moment before had failed to alert him to her presence, so she took advantage of the opportunity to indulge herself in the simple pleasure of just watching him. The light of the passing stars only partially illuminated his features; his handsome face was cast in shadow, preventing her from judging his mood from a distance.

Some sixth sense must have penetrated his musings, telling him he was no longer alone. Half-turning, he glanced to where she stood. At his smile of invitation, she replicated herself a cup of Irish coffee before crossing over to join him.

"Spying on me, Kathryn?" he prompted lightly.

"Enjoying the view," Kathryn countered. "May I join you?"

"Please do."

Kathryn settled herself into the chair opposite him, then reached over to pick up the forgotten PADD. A quick glance satisfied her curiosity, and she replaced it on the table. "I appreciate your diligence, Commander, but your duty shift ended over five hours ago and Starfleet doesn't pay extra for overtime."

"I couldn't sleep, so as long as I was awake I decided to make myself useful."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"About whatever has you awake and doing duty rosters in the mess hall at oh-two-hundred instead of counting sheep in your quarters," Kathryn clarified.

Chakotay leaned back ever so slightly, evasion evident in his posture, control apparent in the tone of his response. "Just a little insomnia," he said. "Not worth mentioning."

"Do you want me to leave?"

He graced her with a faint smile. "Not if you promise to stay out of the kitchen."

One delicate eyebrow arched upward. "Are you intimating, Commander, that my culinary skills are somehow lacking?"

The smile widened, dimples deepened. "Let's just say that we're all grateful you chose to pursue a career in space and not in the kitchen."

She permitted herself a small smile. "Mark once said the same thing."

He chuckled. "I think my opinion of Mark just rose several degrees."

Kathryn gave him a thoughtful glance. "Actually, I think you would like him," she said. "Political differences aside, you have quite a bit in common. He's the strong, silent type, sensitive but not afraid to voice his opinion. And he has the same smartass sense of humor."

"Do you still miss him?" Chakotay asked gently.

"Not the same way I did when we were first stranded here," she allowed. "But he was a part of my life for almost 40 years, and I miss that: the familiarity and the comfort of being with someone who knows you so well. I hope he's happy."

"What about Michael?"

She sighed. "Michael was...a confirmation," she said. "My relationship with him taught me that I could be a woman without sacrificing myself as a Captain."

"Did you really doubt that you could?"

"Until we became stranded in this quadrant it was never an issue. Justin and I were junior officers when we became involved, and Mark was a civilian. But once it became apparent that we would be here for an extended period of time, I was faced with some hard choices. Developing a personal relationship with a fellow officer is risky under the best conditions, and with nowhere to go if things turn sour the risks increase substantially. I couldn't chance disrupting the command structure if I let myself become emotionally involved with a member of my crew. But I'm only human, and after a while the need and the loneliness became too much."

"So why did you end it?"

She shrugged, shifting her gaze to the coffee mug on the table in front of her. "I don't know that there was one specific reason. I cared about him, and I enjoyed being with him. But even after the glitch in the program let him discover who I really am, it still felt like I was living a lie. There was a part of my life that Michael could never understand, no matter what modifications and enhancements were made to his program. In the end, I guess it just came down to the fact that he was only a hologram."

Not knowing how to respond, Chakotay simply said, "I'm sorry."

Kathryn graced him with a faint smile. "Thank you."

"I've missed this," Chakotay said suddenly.

"Missed what?"

"Us. I can't remember the last time we spent any quality time together without being interrupted by one of the crew or the latest crisis."

"Or winding up in an argument about both of the above," Kathryn added wryly.

"We do tend to have rather heated disagreements," Chakotay allowed.

"Some more so than others," Kathryn responded. "When we butted heads over the _Equinox_ incident, I was certain we'd lost our friendship."

"It was never lost, but it did get misplaced for a while. The important thing is that we got it back."

"Yes, we did."

They exchanged a smile before Chakotay switched subjects. "So why aren't you in your quarters counting sheep?"

"Vorik detected some energy fluctuations in the warp core, and with B'Elanna out of commission he called me to come have a look."

"Anything serious?"

"B'Elanna or the warp core?"

"Both."

"The warp core was just reacting to a nearby neutron star that is emitting long range radiation bands through the surrounding space. As for B'Elanna, she's suffering from a healthy bout with morning sickness. The doctor gave her some medication to ease the nausea and help her sleep."

"I had a feeling she was pregnant," Chakotay mused. "Adding fluctuating hormone levels to an already formidable temper does not bode well for Tom's life expectancy over the next several months."

"How gracious of you to say so."

"Tom's a lucky man," Chakotay said quietly. "Becoming a father is a wonderful gift. I'm sure he and B'Elanna will make fine parents."

Kathryn shot him an assessing glance. "If I didn't know better, Chakotay, I'd think you were jealous," she remarked carefully, and took a sip of coffee.

"Jealous, no. Envious, yes."

"I wasn't aware you'd ever thought about having children."

"I haven't, at least not since I joined the Maquis. But when I was still Starfleet I used to think about it now and again. I've always loved children, and occasionally I would contemplate having my own."

"By yourself? Or at some point was there a candidate to actually give birth to them?"

"Worried about the competition when we get home?"

Kathryn permitted herself a faint smile at the taunt, knowing it had been deliberately tossed her way to elicit a response. Fine; she could give as good as she got. "I've never settled for second best in my life, Commander."

"I imagine not."

"You haven't answered my question."

"No, I never had a specific candidate to be the mother of my children." _Until now_, he amended silently.

"Somehow hearing you talk about having children doesn't mesh with the image of a battle-hardened Maquis," Kathryn teased.

Brown met blue. "Is that how you see me?"

"Not now. In the beginning, I'm not sure. All I really knew about you was your reputation."

Chakotay took a sip of cocoa before responding. "I imagine you heard some pretty interesting things."

"I did," Kathryn allowed. "You made quite a name for yourself when you resigned from Starfleet to join the Maquis."

"My decision may have ruffled a few high-ranking feathers, but I doubt anyone shed any tears over my defection."

"Did you?"

"Not at first. But as time wore on, and I watched more and more of my friends die while the situation with the Cardassians remained unchanged, I began to wonder if I had made the right decision."

"Hindsight's twenty-twenty," Kathryn replied.

"It's also somewhat blinding," Chakotay returned.

Kathryn remained silent, uncertain what to say and still unable to ascertain the reason for his introspective mood. _Something's bothering him and it's not just lack of sleep_, she mused silently.

"You have that look, Kathryn."

"What look?"

"The I know something's bothering him but do I risk asking him about it?' look."

_Damn, he's good_. "I wasn't aware I was that transparent."

"Only to me."

A simple statement, laden with implications and unspoken truths. Blue met brown. "So do I risk asking you about it?"

Chakotay swallowed his last bit of cocoa. "Today is the five-year anniversary of our return from New Earth. I suppose I was just trying to sort out some of the emotions that's resurrected."

New Earth. Memories assaulted her then...of laughter, and freedom, and love. And an ancient legend that still maintained a place of honor in her heart. "Five years..." she said aloud. "Time flies."

Chakotay continued as if she hadn't spoken. "I thought I'd resolved the unfinished business we left behind, but in light of B'Elanna's suspected—and now confirmed—pregnancy, I can't help but think about what might have been. And under different circumstances, could still be."

Kathryn felt her heart twinge. _That certainly explains his mood_. "We never talked about New Earth when we came back," she replied quietly. "Once we returned to _Voyager_, it was business as usual."

"By necessity, not by choice."

"Maybe the necessity itself was a choice."

A flicker of surprise passed across his features for the briefest of moments before vanishing. "Care to elaborate?"

For a long moment, Kathryn remained silent, and Chakotay assumed she would not answer. Yet just as he was about to save face and change the subject, she spoke.

"When I made the decision seven years ago to appoint you my first officer, it was a conscious choice on my part to place my faith in someone who by all appearances should have been my enemy. Yet something told me to look past the surface, and trust the man who lay beneath the armor. I did, and I've been grateful for the rewards it has brought me each day since. But after our tenure on New Earth, I began to realize that trusting you with my crew and my ship was immensely easier than trusting you with my heart."

She paused then, awaiting his reaction. He did not disappoint. A myriad of emotions flickered across his face—disbelief, joy, love. At last he seemed to find his voice, his tone barely above a whisper. "You know that I would never hurt you."

"I do. But the day may come when I have to send you on a mission that I know you won't return from, which as your Captain I could understand, but as your lover could never accept."

"Do you really think that pretending we're nothing more than friends will make it any easier?"

The question was rhetorical, and Chakotay neither expected nor received an answer. He went on. "Life happens, Kathryn. You can make the choice to take it as it comes and live with it, or allow yourself to remain rooted in place because you fear what tomorrow might bring. I, for one, am not willing to sacrifice the present for a future that may never come."

"That's almost the exact same thing you told me on New Earth."

"It still holds true."

"So it would seem."

"What we feel for one another isn't going to disappear simply because we choose to ignore it, Kathryn."

"Perhaps not, but somehow not admitting it aloud makes it less real."

"Then maybe it's time for a reality check." He leaned forward, the casual indifference gone from his posture. "I love you."

Despite the topic under discussion, Chakotay's confession still caught Kathryn off-guard, surprise evident in her refined features. _So there it is_, she thought to herself. _I didn't think it would come to this. _

"I've surprised you," he observed. "You weren't expecting me to actually say the words."

"No."

"Good."

Dark brown met dark blue, unwavering, unbidden.

"What do you want from me, Chakotay?" Kathryn queried.

"All of you," came Chakotay's response. "I want your face to be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. I want to make love with you until we're both too exhausted to move. I want to be the one you turn to when you need to laugh, or cry. I want to watch you swell with my child, and help you teach him or her all of the things that make life worth living. I want to be at your side fifty years from now when we're old and gray and see the same expression on your face when I tell you I love you that is there now."

_Kathryn, my dear, you are in trouble_. Lifting her hands, she wiped away the tears streaming down her face before replying. "You don't ask for much, do you?" she prompted wryly.

"For now all that I ask is that you tell me that you love me. The rest will follow."

"What if it doesn't?"

"What if it does?"

Kathryn was uncertain which prospect frightened her more, but in her heart she knew there was only one real option. "I love you," she said at last.

The belated confession earned her a heart-melting smile. "Was that really so difficult?"

"No, but it doesn't completely change how I feel about us developing an intimate relationship. Protocol aside, I don't see how it can not affect our professional one."

"At the risk of pointing out the obvious, we've already fallen in love with each other without exchanging so much as a goodnight kiss."

Kathryn quirked one delicate eyebrow. "Was that a hint?"

"It was a statement of fact."

"I see. May I assume from your statement of fact' that you desire to rectify the situation?"

"I do and I will, but not here and not now."

Kathryn chuckled. "Well, when you decide when and where let me know so I can be certain that I'm there."

Chakotay smiled. "I didn't mean to sound so dictatorial. I merely meant that I'll try to adhere at least partially to protocol, and pick less public venues for displays of affection."

Midnight blue eyes lit with a mischievous glow. "At the risk of pointing out the obvious, it's oh-two-thirty and there's no one else here."

Chakotay's smile widened. "Was that a hint?"

"It was a statement of fact."

Getting to his feet, Chakotay walked around the table and extended his hand, pulling Kathryn to her feet and into his embrace. The full-body contact sent flames of desire coursing through both of them, and their eyes met briefly before Chakotay lowered his head to kiss her.

To be continued in, "Almost Perfect".


End file.
